Squalor state of mind

“Humility is a surveillant eye that keeps you from vain glory”

I’m troubled about writing a Christian story for our movie. One way or another, it pushes you to think deeper until you come to the poignant part and end up staring absent-mindedly and feeling dried up. This time though, I am writing my thought. Although, I admit that I’m feeling fearful and hesistant sharing this post, especially with that type of description in the title (it seems scandalous :D), but I feel happy pouring out my heart once again. Some of you might change your impression of me, but I don’t really care anymore.


In my church where I am committed to right now, there are ministries divided into groups who are in the same age bracket and who also share some common interest or perhaps calling. Among these groups, I take part both in the music and youth ministry.

The upcoming month of August, there will be a national youth gathering – aimed to fellowship with other believers and to strengthen our spiritual relationship with the Lord. These days we are preparing to finance our registration to that event and we thought that making a movie could be very productive in many ways.

I was encouraged to contribute by writing a draft that would inspire not only the audience of my age, but mainly families. Now, idealizing the project, I came up to reminisce about childhood innocence. Coming partially from my own experience, I know that it would seem like a cliché for an interesting story (a good child ended up to be a bad adult, then realized he was wrong) but I thought of adding twist and turns into something common to engage the viewers to put themselves in the context of what’s really happening in our life, without feeling the need of sugar coating it.

When I turned 18, I never realized how much weight would I be carrying on my shoulders concerning my position as a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a simple worker in the society. Probably, it was part of the way of upbringing my parents shaped me into but really, it all sums up into correctly managing our mind which in my present case, I could put it as a “squalor state of mind”.

So, delving into “that”, the fact that we all have a free will bothers me at a certain point – I couldn’t stop fantasizing things that I hoped were true in my life. Therefore, I am emotionally and spiritually messed up because of that growing false hope. This sign is actually putting you on the verge of rebellion against an authority and if you won’t acknowledge your incapacity to curb your infinite immagination, you will lose your life for nothing. Hence, we need someone who’s powerful to rely on – the Providence, or rather, God.


No man is an island,
entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the continent,
a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less,
as well as if a promontory were.
as well as if a manor of thy friend’s
or of thine own were.
Any man’s death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind;
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
it tolls for thee.

– English poet John Donne

I read an article about why we need to choose only one to rely on and if you want to know more about it, just click on this link >>> Balancing Acts: A Tale of Two Kingdoms


For instance, somehow, I blamed all the reference books that I have read about spiritual things and the likes, but the truth is, I didn’t know how to handle serious informations because of my vain self. I’m a proud youngster who thinks of herself to be matured enough on handling things and I am so dead tired of thinking like I’m Atlas who carries the entire world.

Now, your family supports you in any way they could but you keep on insisting to be an open book with a torn out page. They can see what you’re doing but they don’t really know what’s happening inside of you because you won’t let them. Why?***

Our mind is like a kingdom that needs a good ruler – influenced by his surroundings. If he doesn’t hold on to a true principle of leadership and take control of his sail, he will be easily manipulated by trespassing settlers.

Anyhow, I believe that we are given time to fulfill a purpose (a topic that should be taught in every school, but no one really cares if it is not). The greatest but hardest challenge is humbling yourself and serving other people out of love. I know it’s not easy to  get rid of your circumstance or maybe, your social standing because it will always be there unless supernatural things happen. But just like the poem of John Donne:

In his meditation on death, he wrote that all beings are one with God. The rest of the essay, when read in the context of Brexit, is just as poignant as the famous passage. He compares suffering to gold, arguing that we can never have enough of our neighbors’ pain: “No man hath affliction enough that is not matured and ripened by it.” In other words: No one suffers alone, and being aware of another’s pain only makes us stronger and more able to live.

source: Quart Media

A lot of distracting things and issues flood us everyday, believe me, it’s very tempting to get a taste or two. How can we really hold up when in fact, our strength is infallible?

Again, we need someone who’s powerful to rely on – the Providence who is beyond infinity and beyond what man can do. Here then faith enters into the subject. It is imperative to take heed of God’s word and make effort to deny our interest (see Matthew 16:24) and put into top priority the “purpose” of fulfilling our existence – the great commission (Matthew 28).

A big sigh of hope for sharing the same burden …

God bless!!!

IMG_20170323_171850_786P.S. I don’t really know how to make a good ending.  Need more pratice in writing 😀






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