A youth’s desperation

I know it sounds like another mind boggling issue, yet again today, I am writing to release my emotions to feel better.

I’ve hurt a lot of people by continually hurting myself. My own “wise” words go back to me and they’re eating me alive. I know that I still have a lot of things to learn but my sense of pride won’t just let go because of my frustrations. When I try to take a step forward, I play the cowardice. I guess I don’t really know how to be steadfast. I am selfish and I always think what’s only best for me. I don’t value other people’s opinion anymore because I have made myself my own authority a refuge. When my weakness is pointed out, I feel thunder roaring inside of me – makes me want to fly into a rage, but my reproach constrains me.

My source of strength changed and my knowledge became twisted. In spite of being aware of your own state, you come to realize that you cannot get out of your brokenness – that feeling when you want to ask for help but no one really understands what bothers you and what kind of sympathy you will be needing.

I cannot blame the people around me. It’s actually me who needs to face the giant in me. I am ashamed to admit my flaws and in times that I wanted to be strong, I would be doing the opposite. When I try to convince myself to be a person of principle, it just doesn’t feel true. My actions testify that I am not mature – manifested in a whole lot of drama that after some emotional twist, you end the story with superficiality.

No one asks something from me. It’s actually me who thinks skeptical behind all my concessions regardless of what condition there might be. I hate how that innate shades of grey manipulate a person’s will but then, nothing can be done when you indulge yourself in pleasure as you play safe.

The ability to think has become a burden for me. It’s so infinite that I cannot even understand myself anymore. The problem is, it’s an open territory jeopardized by volatile trespassers. Once it is entered with one thought, entertained and persuaded – it becomes your drive of faith until no one can really stop you now.

So in the end, you know where you have to be, but you feel hesitant.

The more you abuse yourself by imprisoning your freedom of living in positivity, the more you become desperate to be found.

***

I AM YOUNG…

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living in a get-it-now, more demanding – morally deteriorating generation where in it’s almost impossible to passby clean.

But I’m so looking forward to get caught and be arrested by Someone, so that I could put an end to my vain liberty.

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